I'm so frustrated right now-- seriously, I am so addicted to my ipod.. I can't do anything without it!! Whether I'm brushing my teeth, cleaning the kitchen, putting on make-up... anything basically that doesn't involve reading, writing, or otherwise communicating.... I've got my headphones on..  And of course when I'm on the treadmill... and when I'm going to sleep, I usually fall asleep to it... Silence is boring and I can't stand it!!  I'd go back out to my car and keep searching, but it is FREEZING out there (actually it's below freezing).. and I looked pretty well before.. but I've got so much junk/trash/clutter in my car.. It's either there or it's in my locker at work..

I think I'll brave the coldness and go back and look in my car one more time.. I wish it were daytime because then I would seriously drive to the store and look for it in my locker.. Ugh!!

I just feel like such a huge mess overall right now. :(

I can't decide if I should drive or take the train to the city tomorrow....  Meeting my dad there for lunch... Driving would be easier, except that I've never driven to this place before... and God only knows how much the parking garage will be!! Unless I find street parking.. On the other hand, I've never taken the subway to this place before either, so that is equally daunting.  Hmmm.. I think I'll take the car.. There's something comforting about being lost in a car versus just lost by yourself.  Reservation is at 1.  I'll leave at 10:30, that gives me leeway for getting lost and for figuring out where to park.  

I don't feel as bad as I did before about food fuck-up.  I'm still thin.  I am.  And I'm going to do my weights work-out in the morning.  Gotta build muscle.  Then I"ll be all set.  

Gonna go to bed now.. my house is so COLD, thank goodness for my space heater!!

Well my weight was down which is good, but I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far off the wagon...... so far that I can't even see the wagon anymore.  NOT GOOD.  

Going to sleep now.............

All right, so last night I had my final meal around 3am after working out.. but then I woke up at like 6:30am feeling extremely hungry... and, well, I ate more than I should have... 2 peanut-butter sandwhiches... and orange juice!!! Ugh.. so a total of 1,000, that is over-estimating it, but I'm going to count it as that much to be on the safe side. 

And to make things worse, I went back to sleep and ended up OVERLSEEPING!!! Ugh.. I was supposed to be at work at 1pm... but didn't wake up until about 2:20, from a phone call from my manager..  Even though I'd had both my regular alarm clock AND my cell phone alarm set!!! Grr..

So, here's today:

6:30am:  PB sandwiches + OJ                     1000                     1000

2:30pm:     bread                                                  90                     1090
                    apple                                                 100                    1190

3:30pm      coffee w/ soymilk                            100                    1290

5pm: soy pasta                                                   300                    1590
           coffee w/ soymilk                                     100                    1690

9pm:  coffee w/ soymilk                                     100                    1790
           trail mix (big mistake!)                            420                     2210
           more coffee w/ soymilk                           100                    2310
          gum (4 pieces-- throughout day)            12                      2322

Got home around 11... went on treadmill for about 45 mins... should have stayed on longer though.  Then afterward:

Midnight: apple sauce                                         50                     2372
                 oatmeal                                                100                    2472
                 blueberries                                            40                   2512
                 flaxmeal                                                 40                    2552

To be on the safe side, in the event that I underestimated anything, I'm going to round up to 2,600.

So...... not the best of days.. clearly the soymilk in the coffee is using up way too many calories.. and the trail mix was just plain weakness...  and the 6am peanut-butter sandwhich thing.. should have at least just stuck to one.. and measured the peanut-butter to control calories.. and NOT have had the orange juice, that was just plain dumb! 

After working out, I added flaxmeal to the oatmeal because that will hopefully help me "go" tomorrow morning (sorry if too gross/graphic!)

Anyways I've already cooked and packed my soy pasta for tomorrow... That is a good lunch, I think, a good alternative to the peanut-butter sandwich.. more filling and fewer overall calories.  Tomorrow I have to train 3 new cashiers at 7am.. so.. Gonna be super-tired for that which means I am definitely going to be drinking the coffee.. I guess the best thing I can do is alternate that with green tea, and drink lots of water. After work I'll be exhausted so I"ll probably come home and sleep for several hours.. and then try do a workout video or treadmill.. Ideally the work-out video because that involves weights, which I haven't done in a few days. 

And then Tuesday morning I'll be weighing myself for the first time, which I'm so nervous about....... but, gotta face reality eventually, right? 

Anyways time to try and sleep so I can be semi-conscious for the new people tomorrow!! :)

5:30am: oatmeal                                               100           100
                blueberries                                           10           110  
                flaxmeal                                                  50           160

6am: coffee w/ soymilk                                       90           250

10:45am   edamame                                         120          370

4:15pm        applesauce                                    50            420
                      salad                                              100            520
                      oatmeal                                          100           620
                      blueberries                                     20            640
                      flaxmeal                                           40            680
                      coffee w/ soymilk                           90            770    
              
9pm             apple                                                80             850   
                     bread                                               180          1020
                     peanut-butter                                 210           1230
                     
1am            grapefruit                                         100          1330
                    oatmeal                                             75            1405
                    blueberries                                       25            1430



2:30am:     applesauce                                       50            1480
                   bread                                                  100           1580


Okay so I am not thrilled with how much I've eaten today.. BUT... none of it was bingeing, none of it was compulsive... I just felt hungry quite often.  Hopefully tomorrow's total will be more like yesterday's.. I'm not too worried...

Overslept today (as if that's different from any other day)... Wanted to get up by 10, to exercise, but instead I half-consciously kept resetting the alarm and ended up getting up at 12... So I did not have time to work out.  I mean, I do a lot of moving around at my job (I work in retail-- our store has 2 floors, and I am flying up and down those stairs ALLLL day!!) but I do want to get in an actual work-out ASAP! 

So tonight I work til 11, which realistically means 11:30 or midnight, and then I am going in again at 7am to 10am to train someone.. Since I couldn't sleep last night, I'll probably have the same problem tonight.. so, my plan is to not even TRY to sleep tonight.. I have a lot of laundry I need to do, and I am going to exercise.. If my brother is hogging the basement (where our treadmill is), then I"ll do my work-out video in the living room.

Anyways, I'll get home from work tomorrow by 10:30am or so, at which point I'll be exhausted and can sleep all day, until I go back in that night. :)  

Wish me luck!!!!

So, my weight loss plan is going pretty well.. Goal being to get from 114 to 96 by March 1.  (I was 96 for several months last year and felt GREAT, so I'm trying to get back to that ideal, and I WILL get back to it.)

I'm tracking my food/exercise/mood/etc. using the health tracker at prevention.com, which really helps...

I just typed out all these detailed plans for when and how I'll exercise but I keep finding problems with how I'm planning, so I think I will just have to take it a day at a time. One thing for sure though is that i'm not going to wake up any earlier than 4am, I think that would be pushing it.  Also, I want to create some ingrained habits, like that every day after work I jog for 30 minutes.  But i'm going to start it out with 15 minutes, because that seems much more manageable and I think I'll be more likely to stick with it.  Over time I will add on more minutes. But for now, 15 mins. after work is more than I've been doing, and that's what matters! 

Dr. Andrew Weil wrote that a lot of people mistakenly assume that every time they feel hungry they must eat, but that this is NOT true.  Feeling hungry is a natural state, and it is not an indication that one must eat right then and there.  I think all those diet books that way "Always eat something when youre hungry;  you will never feel hungry on this diet!" etc. etc. are implying that feeling hunger is NOT a natural/desirable state, so I'm trying to unlearn that.

Aight......... time to go do stuff... !

 I read that if you break up your cardio routine (i.e. if you were going to run for 60 minutes, just do 30 minutes, then rest for 20, and then do the other 30) it makes your body burn more fat. 

I am really hungry right now but I'm going to go on the treadmill. :)

So I have a wonderful plan... I'm going to take out some money from the bank and get it all in $5 bills.  Each day I am going to put $5 into an envelope labeled "fund for new computer" (I really want a new computer :))  and eventually it will build up and I'll be able to buy one (it will take a long long time, I know, I know). 

The catch?.... I only get to put the $5 in the envelope if I stick to my plan all day (fruits/veggies/brown rice/beans).  If I do NOT stick to my plan, then I have to shred the $5 bill and that's the end of it.  That's a really huge deterrent for me, because if I waste it like that I"ll feel like, "It could have gone to charity," So...... I don't think I"ll be breaking my plan. :) 

I also have a pedometer and I'm making a point to walk at LEAST 12,000 steps per day (ideally 15,000), and to do my Firm workout videos on most days. 

I'm really anxious to get thin again.... I will get there!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, so  I just purged for the first time in TWO YEARS....... Not something I'm going to do regularly.. in fact I hope this is the only time.  I was so skinny for so long and it was great, and now just over the past 4+ months I've let myself go and have put on all this weight and it SUCKS. 

Agh.  I wish I could just never feel hungry. It feels so hopeless... I know realistically that it certainly is possible to get thin again like I used to be, but that it will take some time, it won't happen overnight.  But I get so discouraged on a daily basis and it's like I need some sort of tangible reassurance that I'm headed in that direction.  I need to just BELIEVE.

But instead I give in to cravings, fearing that I"ll feel all depressed and deprived if I don't..

And the next few days will be hard because I'll be away visiting family.... So I can't even make a concrete plan for myself.  And I won't have any chance to exercise. 

Speaking of which....... gonna go log a few more minutes on the treadmill before I need to start getting stuff ready for the guests tonight..... 

Suggestions/Advice/Motivation/Kick-in-the-but/Anything!!!!!??

I've gained so much weight and am so disgusting now.  I am going back to the all-natural foods plan.  I've been eating so much sugar and just having compulsions where I can't stop eating.. . It's absolutely awful.

I just got a pedometer and am making sure I take 10,000 steps every day-- if I haven't met that quota by the end of the day, then I go on the treadmill to squeeze them in.  And I haven't done strength training in ages, but I am going to start that tomorrow morning.  I was really thin for several months, and I realize now that it was during those months I was exercising like crazy-- so I need to get back into that.  Once I'm in that habit, it's very easy for me to continue with it.  

But right now... omg I weigh so much it's embarrassing, I'm not even going to say.  I can't believe I let myself get like this.  Really, I am embarrassed.

But no more......... Not sure if I'll go back to veganism or not... I really like my yogurt.. but maybe I'll have yogurt be the only dairy I eat... ...........

I can't wait to be thin again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, my body hates  me just about now.  I screwed up earlier by having a small bowl of cereal, so then I decided to take the approach from the book "Matilda" where the evil school teacher forces Bruce to eat an entire gigantic chocolate cake in one sitting, for having stolen a small piece of it.  So, I had more and more cereal.  And then I made myself a HUGE Bisquick pancake in the microwave.. and then had more cereal.  By this time I had no desire to eat anymore, I was so full.  My stomach was hurting.  But I made myself anyway.  

So, we'll see what happens tomorrow.  Obviously, my plan is to go back to square one with my new eating plan, and it will be Day 1 of my 21-days-to-perfection strategy.  But I wonder if I'll be craving the cereal or if I'll continue to feel a disliking for it.  They've done studies and found that people can develop a strong aversion to a food if they get sick and vomit within a few hours after taking it.  So another, more drastic option, would be to do this again but take a pill that induces vomiting with it.  NOT as a means of purging-- I don't do that anymore-- by as a means of training myself, physiologically, to dislike the food. 

In the mean time, I'll stick with the adage, If it tastes good, it's trying to kill you.

And also: Some wisdom from the great jedi master, Yoda:  Do or do not.  There is no "try."

 Well, I've got all my supplies to start.. the eggs and everything. I need to hardboil them and get everything measured out for the week.  I'm so afraid about this though, I just have no willpower lately.  I'm so addicted to food. 

Argh..... I bought an issue of Women's Health magazine, maybe that will help inspire me.

All right, so I have my food plan all mapped out, I will officially be starting Tuesday because I need to buy the necessary foods tomorrow.  But I am going to eat as close to that plan as possible tomorrow.  But the official program will go from Tues, Nov. 13, through Monday, Dec. 4.  That is 21 days.  I will not weigh myself at all during that time.  I will weigh myself on the morning of Dec. 5.  

I am also going to get back into the habit of exercise, because I was doing a lot of that when I dropped the weight before.  In fact.... I am going to go do my Firm Cardiosculpt video right now!

So yeah, it's been, basically forever......... and I've gotten FAT.  It's absolutely awful.  I don't know what happened.  It was so easy before, to stay around 96-98 lbs and I LOVED the way I looked... Now I've gained and am not even going to write how much because it's too awful and I am so ashamed.  When I get back down to a decent size, I'll say it, once I'm able to say, "I USED to weigh XXX.X lbs." 

I tried Atkins and couldn't stick to it, I think it's a great plan but I don't know why I just didn't have what it takes to stick with it I guess.... So I'm going back to what I did the other times I lost weight effortlessly, and that is just eating natural foods....... I'm going to plan a daily diet for myself and eat the same meals every day.  It's going to be very egg-based because they're so inexpensive and really do quench the appetite. 

Stupid fucking sugar.  That's what it is though.  It's killing me.  

To successfully lose weight I think you have to become obsessed with it, and make it the entire focus of your life, every second of every minute of every day, you can't let up.  Maybe that's an unhealthy attitude, but  I really don't care.  I liked being skinny.  And I'm going to do it again.

Dr. Stephen Gullu is a smart guy. 

"Complacency is the enemy of thin."

Hey everyone, I haven't been on here much lately, soooooooooo busy.. and have been reading a lot of other diet websites when I have been coming on. 

So I'm going to try slim fast.  I mean I'm tweaking it to my own thing, not following their exact plan, but the basic idea... anyone else try this?

OMG... today has been a HORRIBLE day.. Not with food/exercise.... I actually did incredibly well with that.  But other stuff that I don't want to get into. 
Seriously though.. I'm 24. I'll probably die of a heart attack before the age of 30. Agh.......

Okay wow, so I binged REALLY badly today..  I'm officially addicted to carbs once again.  Apparently it can take 2-3 weeks to truly break a carb addiction. Tomorrow will go as follows:

3:45-- Wake up.  Do Firm Body-sculpt video.
4:45-- Walk/jog 5 miles.
6:00-- Soy burger and grapefruit. 
6:15-- Shower, wash hair, etc.
6:45-- Get dressed, ready to go to work. 
7:00-- leave for work, stop on the way to get frappuchino and also some apples and mixed fruit. 
8:00-- Get to work, get settled in, have apple and soybeans. 
12:00-- lunch: more soybeans, and a *little* mixed fruit
3:30-- more mixed fruit, for snack
7:00-- Get home. soy burger. Get ready for bed. 
7:30-- Put sticker in stickerbook for keeping on track all day.  Read some quality Harry Potter, and go to sleep. :)


- 2 c. soybeans -- 480 cal.    / 480
- 2 soy burgers -- 170 cal.    / 650
- frappuchino -- 150 cal        / 800
- grapefruit -- 110 cal.           / 910
- apple -- 100                         / 1010
- other fruit... (tbd)                  Total <1200

I will follow this same exact plan Tuesday and Wednesday. (But Firm videos will switch up, will do abs one morning, etc.)  Thursday and Friday I will have just 1 cup of soybeans, and have 340 cal. worth of rice (1/2 cup dry).  Rice is cheaper so I'd rather have more of my calories come from that, cuz I'm a penny-pincher. :)

Okay... gonna go upstairs and get stickerbook ready.. This is something new. I am so desperate, I need to try new/creative things, I NEED to get thin, if I can maintain roughly 96.0 I'll be happy.  And that is definitely do-able.. so now I've just gotta go do it.

Okay guys I'm finally leaving (well, hopefully I'll be out the door and on the road by 3:30) thank you all SO MUCH for your support!! Hope everyone has a great weekend, I look forward to checking back in with you all Sunday night!!!

xoxoxoxo